


Back to the Womb

by Arisprite



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Injury, Canonical Character Death, Eren & Levi platonic friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied Erwin/Levi established relationship, Levi's Squad - Freeform, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), Post The 57th Expedition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-05-10 22:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5603830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arisprite/pseuds/Arisprite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...to be strangled by the cord. </p><p>Levi returns after the 57th Expedition with pain in his leg and chest, but it was so familiar by now, that he could continue walking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There may be more to this, as I have more thoughts...

Levi knew from experience that thinking after these sorts of things was an invitation to distraction - you might as well hand yourself to the titans on a silver platter if you started grieving before you got inside the walls. The kid didn’t know that; he was sobbing into his arm on the back of the wagon, Mikasa at his side. Levi decided to give him the space, it was his first, he remembered his first. 

The company was nearly back, riding steady, with so many gone in just a few hours. Levi concentrated on the stride of his horse, and the horizon, looking around with his hand on his sword, while Erwin led them home. No titans in sight, but the stench of them was in the air, on their bodies and horses, mingled with the sweat and piss of fear. And blood too, couldn’t forget the scent of blood that rose up around them in a miasma, and overtaking the clean air of the outside. It coated Levi’s teeth, and throat, making him taste metal. He wanted to spit. Mostly, he wanted to bathe, and forget this ever happened, at least for an hour or two. Thank god he had a private bath in that stupid, cold, castle. 

The gate rose up above them, a looming symbol of their world, where the privilege of passing through to freedom was earned in the blood of your friends, over and over again, until you felt the teeth of a titan yourself. Levi remembered clearly looking up to pass through it, to see the strange glowing lights that coated the ceiling of the small tunnel. It had felt like being reborn, coming out of the dark, tight, confined womb of the city to see the light of the world. But, as was true with infants and men alike, there was a price. Levi remembered what he’d lost that day. Remembered what he’d lost today. The pain was a knife in his chest, but it was so damn familiar that he could keep riding. He’d lost so many people. 

The gate slammed shut, and it felt like the cord was strangling him yet again - the promise of life, sure, but no one mentioned how it was slowly killing all of them. This city wasn’t a womb, it was a tomb, but there was nothing he could do about it now. The garrison did their brief job of locking up, before the company stopped. Those on horseback dismounted for what was usually one of the harder parts of the job - the walk back into town. Levi didn’t look at the jeering faces, staring ahead no matter the result of the mission. Petra always cried as they came back in, the tension of the outside world breaking at some point on the cobbled streets. She’d never cry again. 

Levi dismounted, and abruptly found a distraction for his grief, when his leg buckled underneath him. It had been hurting him on horseback, but he thought he’d only strained it. Now, when he tried to support himself, he felt a deep, red hot pain in his bones, making the joints of his ankle, knee and even up to his hip feel like water. He grit his teeth, and pushed through it, testing his leg while holding on to his horse. 

“Are you alright, Captain?” asked someone, one of those 104th brats with the golden hair. Krista, he recalled, as he met her concerned eyes. 

“Fine,” he growled. “Worry about your squad.” 

She nodded, and glanced back at the tall freckled girl she was always all over. Levi let her go, and put his weight on his leg. It held. He walked. 

He walked, holding the reins of his horse, and hiding his limping. Erwin kept them moving, but even he looked slumped, in that ‘I still have perfect posture’ sort of way. He wouldn’t show it, but each failure hit him hard. 

Levi walked, and concentrated on the pain in his leg, categorizing the muscles that he could feel affected, and not thinking about how Oulo would have broken the tension with some ridiculous antic, or how Gunter would have rolled his eyes at him. Petra would chide him under her breath as they walked beside their horses, and Levi would feel eyes on his back as they all whispered about getting caught with whatever it was they were doing. Then Erd, his second, would meet his eyes and he’d know exactly what they’d all been up to, leaving the rest of them convinced he had black magic to hear what they were saying. It was such a common situation, and Levi would admit that it hurt to think that those times with them were over. He’d mourn them, back in his room. He could wait until then. 

Then, a small rambling man came up beside him, and introduced himself as Petra’s father, and dammit dammit _dammit_ family wasn’t supposed to come up to the company on their way back in! Couldn’t he read the mood, or search the crowd, and realize that now wasn’t the time to come up and prattle about letters, and how _excited_ their child was to be working the corps, and _marriage?_ Levi wanted to scream for someone else to come do this, someone instead of him, because how, how could he tell this man that his daughter, who wrote such happy letters with his name in them, wasn’t coming home. She was dead, and gone, on his orders. A necessary sacrifice for the (failed) mission, and he didn’t even have a piece of her to give. 

Levi didn’t turn, didn’t blink, didn’t speak. Let the man keep talking, even though every word was a tear in his chest, wounding yet more of his scarred over heart (sometimes it felt like there was more dead tissue than beating organ, but such was his life). 

Finally, _finally_ , the man stuttered to a halt, glancing back uncertainly at the company of bloody men and women, before he really looked at Levi’s wooden face. 

“Uh, wh-where is Petra? Is she further back?” he turned, and Levi’s hand shot out of its own volition. He grabbed the man’s sleeve, and held him there, until the worried eyes, so like Petra’s, met his own. Around them, the company continued moving forward, like a river splitting around a pair of rocks. 

“Mr. Ral,” he said, voice low and even, trying to gain the professionalism that he’d lost in the quick grab. “Survey Corpsman Petra Ral fell bravely in the line of duty. She made the greatest sacrifice for her team, and her actions were… a great benefit to mankind.” Levi stared forward, so he wouldn’t have to see the man’s face fall, his eyes well up, everything that families always did when he told them this news. He’d told so many people that their child or brother or sister was dead. 

Mr. Ral bent his head forward, shaking his face back and forth. “I- I was so afraid that’s what you were going to say…” he sobbed, “Forgive me for rambling, trying not to think of the worst - Oh, Petra! What will I tell her mother?” 

Levi took a breath, stumbling a little on his leg, before he stepped back and let go of the man’s sleeve. He put his arm behind his back in half the salute. 

“I will come with an official letter. Once we get back to headquarters. I’m sorry for your loss.” 

Mr. Ral stared at him through wet eyes, and then reached forward to touch him again, grabbing his hand to shake. 

“I wasn’t dishonest when I said that Petra respected you. She was so honored to be picked for your team. Thank you, for taking care of her for as long as you did.” 

Levi looked at him, and recalled what he’d said to a dying soldier while Petra cried for him. 

“She will be an inspiration to me, Mr. Ral. Her memory will give me strength to fight.” 

Levi shook his hand, and then pulled away from the man. He was crying again, snotty and sad, and Levi couldn’t say anything more. The man just lost his daughter, and he was _thanking_ him. Tch! Didn’t he know that Levi’s hands were covered in blood, both literal and metaphorical? Didn’t he care that Petra had followed him to her death? 

He nodded, and left him there, taking another step forward and wincing, before grabbing onto his horse’s bridle. Shit, his leg was going to be trouble. Damn that female titan, and everything that had happened today.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This continues.

The whole company couldn’t make it all the way to the old HQ castle before nightfall - there were too many wounded, and too much paperwork to fill out for the whole company to return there, rather than the head quarters they’d been stationed at previous to the mission, save for Levi and his squad. 

But, Eren wasn’t authorized to be put up anywhere beside that castle, and Levi knew that Erwin would be following their directives regarding Eren to the letter, at least to outward appearances. He couldn’t afford not to, not after that dismal failure. Erwin would have to send a notice to the central government, and await their orders of what to do with him (which would probably be bring him right to the MPs to be experimented on and then executed… dammit). The poor kid was living on borrowed time. 

To save Erwin a headache, Levi volunteered to head onwards with him, and reach the castle by nightfall, so that Eren wouldn’t get even more in trouble. Erwin approved, but only just. 

“Your leg needs treating,” he said, and Levi knew that Erwin was able to tell that he was hurt, even if he was hiding his limp. He was standing without putting much weight on it, and even that was tensing his face into a grimace. Levi knew he was right, but he also knew that if he took off his boot, he wouldn’t be able to put it back on again until he got the swelling down. He could feel the heat from it, and the way it was supported and braced by the thick leather. If he was going to ride anymore today, he needed to just press onwards. 

“Send a doctor who can ride with me, I’ll get it treated there.” 

“There’s no one who can be spared, Levi,” Erwin said, looking falsely sympathetic. Levi knew he was just calculating how best to win this argument. 

“If I mess with it now, I won’t be able to ride for a while,” Levi countered, showing some weakness to get Erwin to back off. “Give some supplies then, and I can take care of it myself. I’ve done it before.” 

“Levi-” 

Levi patted the top of his thigh. “It’s not broken, and I’m not bleeding. I can wait for you guys to get there, once I get to where I can lay down. Stop worrying, you look pathetic.” 

Erwin sighed, letting the ground he was holding slip out from under him. 

“I trust you to take care of yourself, and not endanger your health.” _Or your career and usefulness to me_ , Levi heard implied. 

Levi straightened and nodded, stepping away with nary a limp. 

~

Stocked with medical supplies, Levi headed back to the horses, and where the wagons of dead and wounded were being unloaded. Eren stood there, awkwardly rubbing a hand over his elbow, while Mikasa and the rest of his corps hovered around him. They were obviously in shock, marveling in surviving their first time outside, along with attempting to process the lives they had lost. Levi found himself glad that they hadn’t lost anyone from their group this time. He knew about the ones they’d lost from Trost, becoming the first cadet corps to have veteran soldiers and casualties in action before even choosing their branches. They’d done well today. 

Levi walked up to them, and the other kids stepped back as he approached, except Mikasa and Eren, who didn’t really even look up. 

“At ease,” he said, because they all looked like they had sticks up their butts. “You’re all staying here tonight, to await orders from the MPs. Eren, you’re going with me.” 

Mikasa stepped forward, as Eren belatedly startled at the sound of his name. 

“Wha-?” 

“I’m coming too.” 

“No, you’re not. We’re following the standing orders from the central government. All Survey Corps return to base following a failed mission, except my squad, who will take Eren Jaeger back to custody. Right now, that’s just me. C’mon.” 

Feeling incredibly tired, Levi started walking away, leaving Eren to break off from Mikasa and follow. The kid did, and fell into step behind him. He suddenly, desperately, missed the sound of four further footfalls. 

They reached their horses, and Levi had to mount with his right leg, doing an awkward shimmy to get seated correctly. Eren said nothing, neither offering help, nor mocking, and Levi saw that he hadn’t even made a move to get on his own horse. Levi whistled, bringing his mare Reina around. Eren jolted. 

“Oi, get up. We’re wasting time.” 

Eren nodded, and mounted up. He’d been so silent, reminding Levi more of the days early on, when he was chained up in jail, and even then he’d spoken out some. Not that he could blame him. Levi decided he’d give him until they got to the castle and sleep to process, then he’d pull him out of it. He often had to, for the new recruits. 

Since the ride was silent, Levi had plenty of time to think about things he’d far rather not, so he focused on the beat of his horse’s gallop, and the strain of his leg straps around his leg. Taking it off was going to hurt like a bitch, but he could still feel the whole damn thing, so he didn’t think it had swollen enough to cut off circulation. He’d already loosened the buckles he could reach as far as they would go, so he thought he’d be okay until they got there. 

They arrived to an empty castle, and Levi kicked himself for not preparing himself for the echoing chambers, and the lack of people and horses… his squad hadn’t even been there long, and the rest of the corps even less, but this castle was far too big for just two people. 

“Get the horses taken care of,” Levi ordered quietly, as if a louder voice would disturb the souls of those who were no longer there. Levi wasn’t superstitious, but he’d seen so much death that he respected the piecemeal traditions anyway. No harm in it, and others could find some comfort in them, even if Levi didn’t. 

Eren nodded at his directions, and dismounted. Levi hesitated, and swung himself off as well, wincing hard at the jolt of pain as his leg moved again. He gripped the horse’s bridle, supporting himself on poor Reina’s head, before he put his weight down fully. She nickered at him, and he took a breath, petting her nose, murmuring a soft ‘thanks’ to the creature. 

“Are you hurt?” Eren asked, finally coming out of himself a little, enough to notice that Levi had been wincing since the forest. Levi didn’t try to hide it. 

“I’ll most likely need your assistance inside with it.” 

Eren gaped at him, hand on his horse’s reins, before he started and nodded. 

“O-Of course, sir.” 

Levi waved off his acquiescence, glad the kid was at least talking now. He slung the med bag over his shoulder, and (limping now) walked into the kitchen of the castle, where they had the gigantic ice cellar, complete with some clever technology that kept it cold all year round. He needed ice for his leg, and he wanted to get his boot off before the kid finished, because he was figuring it wouldn’t be a pleasant sight. 

He went and gathered a bucket of ice scrapings, a couple towels, and laid out the medical kit on the table, before he sat on a stool, and braced himself. Taking a breath, he began unlacing the sides of the boots, loosening them enough that, theoretically, he should be able to slide it off. As the pressure alleviated, the pain grew, a kind of rushing-tingling-burning as more blood moved to the area. Levi breathed slightly quicker, trying to keep quiet, even though his body was telling him to pant through the pain. He grit his teeth, and paused, his boot halfway down his calf, to grind his other foot into the ground. 

“Aghhh…” he let out, and then bit his lips again. 

The boot slid off easier the further down he got, and finally the thing was free for him to kick away. The straps were next, and those came unbuckled easily, as he undid the leg straps of both legs, and left them dangling at his sides. Then he paused and breathed, wiping off a bit of sweat from his forehead. Then he winced. God, he was rank with sweat and titan’s blood, but unfortunately, unless he wanted to take an ice bath, it wouldn’t help the swelling in his leg. He hoped this wasn’t more than muscle tearing, and that the pain would ease in a couple days. Still, it was bad timing. 

He shook off his growing annoyance that he had to be wounded at all, and in such a stupid way (Damn Mikasa, and her emotions) and wrapped up a couple handfuls of ice in the twist of a towel, pressing it to his ankle, and then setting another one on his knee, with his leg extended on another stool. Leaning back, he sighed, and rubbed his head, hoping that this would be better in the morning. 

“What’s wrong?” Eren’s voice cut through the silence in the nearly dark kitchen. Levi glanced up at him, ‘tching at his stupid question. 

“What’s it look like, dumbass?” he growled, the pain and far too familiar grief making him snappish. Eren looked over the ice on his leg, before hanging his head. 

“I’m sorry, you were hurt because of me…” he murmured, and Levi sighed in exasperation. 

“Shut up, kid,” Levi said, a little quieter, because in all technicality, he couldn’t deny it. “And light some lamps in this damn place.” 

Eren nodded, and bustled around, while Levi stared at the ice, willing it to do it’s job, and make the heat in his leg go down faster. He hadn’t taken a clear look at the limb, and the gap between his sock and pant leg was only red with cold, but he hoped that by the time he went to bed, he’d be a lot better. He was so exhausted now, though. 

The lights in the kitchen came on, and Eren moved to the stove to put the kettle on; perhaps his family had had some old instinct to make tea in times of stress. Levi hadn’t grown up with that, but he fully approved of tea. He nodded when Eren set a cup down in front of him. 

“You need a doctor, sir” Eren said, then, pulled out of his guilty thoughts enough to be a mother hen, it seemed. Levi glanced up at him, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Who do you think gave me the med kit? A doctor is coming tomorrow.”

Eren was frowning, and worry was clear in his eyes. 

“But you’re injured, you can’t-” 

“There was no one to send,” Levi said, abruptly tired of this discussion. “And we can’t get a messenger anywhere either. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re alone here.” Levi ignored the pang that sent through him. 

“I could-” 

“You’re under my custody, idiot. If I sent you, it’s be my head on a stick, and that’s a bag of shit I don’t want to deal with right now.” Levi waved a hand. “Come to think of it, this is a gross oversight on our part. Leaving a wounded soldier in charge of the titan shifter. You could easily escape. You wouldn’t even have to knock me out. Go on, then.” Levi’s voice was mocking, but there was an element of seriousness in his voice. If everything hadn’t been so chaotic, if Levi had admitted how bad he suspected his leg might be, then he could have taken a couple more soldiers. Mikasa maybe? It didn’t matter, because Eren bristled at the insinuation. 

“I’m not going to desert!” 

“Tch,” Levi said, turning his face away. “Pity. Would have made our lives easier. Probably your’s too.” 

Eren was quiet, but it was his tense kind of silent that meant he was upset and thinking hard to find another way. Levi let out another breath, feeling very old, and leaned his elbow back on the table. 

“Go on to bed, Eren. It’s been a long day.” 

Eren slumped a little, hanging his head, before he nodded. 

“Yes, sir.” 

Levi listened to his steps leave the kitchen, heading downwards to that dark dungeon that Petra had taken to calling the basement, to try and make the kid feel better about having to sleep down there. His heart clenched, and then Levi let out a sigh, hanging his own head and letting his sweat-stringy bangs brush the bridge of his nose. 

It was far too quiet now.


	3. Chapter 3

“Captain?” 

Levi jerked awake, his eyes snapping open and senses on alert, hand on his knife handle. Then, he gasped and cursed. 

“Shit!” he said, pressing his hand to the top of his still outstretched thigh, feeling the pain clench through his leg, as his movement awoke various numb limbs and sore muscles. Damn him for sleeping in a wooden chair, shit damn it all… Levi dragged the leg off the stool it still sat in, dumping the damp rags that had been full of ice on the floor, and rubbing the gnarled and sore muscles, before he looked up at Eren, standing in the low light of the still burning lamps. 

“What?” he snarled at him. Eren looked as exhausted as he had been last night, well, earlier this evening apparently. It was still dark outside, and the lamps hadn’t burned out, so it couldn’t have been more than a few hours later. “What time is it?” 

“Late,” Eren said, uncharacteristically short in his reply. The reason became apparent when he broke into a wide yawn. “I came to get some water, and I saw the lamps were still lit. Are you alright, sir?” 

Levi closed his eyes, his body buzzing with the adrenalin of waking, and the pain emanating from his leg. He knew where he was, and what had happened yesterday. 

“You’re lucky you didn’t come closer. You could have had a new hole where there wasn’t supposed to be one,” Levi said, slowly rubbing his leg still. The knife was safe by his side, but he was still glad Eren hadn’t pushed him. “Then again, I suppose you would have healed, anyway, heh.” 

Levi half laughed, and Eren tentatively quirked his lip, rubbing the back of his head. Levi moved his attention from him to his leg, tensing it to see if he could possibly put some weight on it. He really ought to lay in a bed, for a time, though he now was wide awake. Get more ice. The pain spiked, and Levi eased off, sighing slightly. 

“So, which is it. Nightmares or just can’t sleep?” he said, into the silent kitchen. Eren started, and looked at him. 

“What?” 

Levi leveled a look at him, “Which is it.” 

Eren returned the stare, looking more like startled rabbit than anything. “Both, sir…” he finally said. Levi nodded. 

“You need to sleep, you know.” Levi’s voice was unsympathetic and casual, and true to form, Eren bristled, like he had when he’d suggested he desert. 

“I _tried_ -” 

“Eren,” Levi interrupted, and Eren went quiet, but there was more personality in his tired eyes. “I know. I’m well aware of the conundrum. Some men turn to the bottle, or other pursuits. Others stare at the ceiling. Nothing to be done, eh?” 

Levi snorted at himself, getting all philosophical in the middle of the night. 

“Dammit,” he said, and Eren looked at him curiously, still standing by the doorway. The lamps were almost out. “I need to sleep. Help me to my room.” 

Eren nodded, and moved forward to help him stand. 

“You weren’t limping this bad yesterday, sir,” he said honestly worried and not snarky like some other people might have said it. Still, Levi winced and growled at the same time. 

“Shut it.” 

~

In the morning, it was little better, both the leg and the fact that the castle was empty, save the two of them. Levi woke from bad dreams, feeling that itchy urge to shower (again, he’d done it in the middle of the night last night, unable to bear the thought of laying down in his bed with titan’s blood and sweat all over him), to clean the room, the castle, the whole city. He was still exhausted. It was later than he’d meant to sleep, but still far too early, for how late he’d finally laid down. Even with his unintended nap in the kitchen, he was still itchy eyed, and sluggish. 

Levi pulled himself to a sitting position, and rubbed his leg through the blankets. It still ached, just as bad as last night, and it was tender to touch, like the bruises went deep through it. All the way to his bones, possibly. Damn, damn it all. 

With a painful hobble, Levi made it out of bed, and got himself semi-presentable. The tight trousers and leg straps were a no, but he at least combed his hair, and put on a loose shirt and pants. He was injured, and he didn’t have to be in uniform, but he could at least not look like a slob. 

Out in the main hall, Levi saw that the sun had risen already, and Eren was seated at one of the tables, with a small breakfast, and some papers in front of him. He jolted to his feet when Levi appeared in the doorway. Levi tried not to be obvious about how he was hanging on the frame. He’d made it this far with a combination of supporting himself on walls and tables, and embarrassing hopping, and his leg was burning. 

“Captain! You shouldn’t be up on your leg!” Eren said, rushing over and slinging his arm around his shoulder without even a by your leave. Levi grunted, and held on to him, if only in concession to the fact that he hadn’t wanted to enter the open room without a support. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine,” he muttered, easing himself down into the chair at the end of the table Eren had been in, his normal seat. There were two seats between them, where his team usually sat. Without their laughter and noise, the whole room was far too empty. 

Eren stepped back, straightening up. “Do you want breakfast? There’s some-”

Levi cut him off. “What’s that?” he said, gesturing to the papers that sat beside Eren’s plate. It was a sealed envelop, and he recognized the handwriting. 

“This came by messenger while you were asleep,” Eren said, handing it to him. Levi winced a little, because hell that looked bad. Guarding the titan shifter, by sleeping the morning away and making him get the mail. 

“You should have woken me,” Levi said, taking the message, and slitting it open with Eren’s breakfast knife. Eren hunched his shoulders a little with the rebuke. 

“Sorry, sir,” he said, and Levi clicked his tongue. He’d had good intentions, knowing he was injured and up during the night, but Levi couldn’t let himself slack off, not when there were so many eyes looking at them, and a wrong move could have them not only lose Eren, but also any clout Erwin had as Commander. The politics hung over him, but he knew that Eren wasn’t thinking like that. 

“Who brought it?”

“Mike Zacharius,” he replied, and Levi blew out his nose. 

“Well, that’s good at least.” Eren frowned in confusion, but Levi didn’t want to explain to him, that this was good because Mike wouldn’t report that mistake; he was far less by the book than other's might be. Make fun of him, sure, but Mike wouldn’t put them in danger. 

Levi put the thoughts aside, and slid the paper out of the envelope, while Eren muttered something about breakfast, and left the room. As he’d thought, it was from Erwin. 

_Captain Levi,_ it read, letting him know that he’d have to read between the lines for the true message. That Erwin didn’t want this information getting into the wrong hands. 

_Eren Jaeger’s situation has not changed. The Military Police will arrive this evening to take him from your custody into theirs. We will have to see him off, into their care, after this failed venture. No new information has been revealed regarding the female titan, and not even an inexperienced cadet could make a guess regarding her true identity._

_I also understand you’ve been injured, so you will be relieved of guard duty by this afternoon._

_Regards,_

_Commander Erwin Smith._

Levi read the missive, and smiled. Eren had returned, bringing him a plate of cold cheese, and bread, plain but filling fare. He took his seat again, looking slightly relieved. 

“Is it good news?” he asked, and Levi tossed the letter to him. 

“Not at all, officially.” 

Eren read the paper, and paled. “They’re still going to take me away…?” he said, softly. Levi reached and tore off a piece of bread, sticking it in his mouth. 

“Not if we can help it.” Eren blinked at him. 

“But the letter said -” 

“All the things it was supposed to say, plus a little more.” Levi swallowed, and laid out the paper, pointing at the top. “Most of it is a code, from Erwin to me, so no one could figure it out. Using Captain at the top signals me to look for alternate meanings.” He pointed at the first paragraph. “The MPs are on their way to take you, it’s true. But Erwin and the others will be here first, this afternoon. It sounds like he has a plan. The double negative in this sentence also lets me know he /has/ new information about that damn female, and it sounds like it was one of your friends that gave it to him.” 

Eren reread the letter, his shoulder’s growing looser. “The inexperienced cadet? I wonder what they could have found out?” 

“We’ll find out later today.” Levi put down the bread he’d been picking at, and stretched, wincing as it pulled on his leg. That reminded him. “Damn. Erwin also made official note of my leg, which probably means I’m taken off duty.” 

Eren looked at him, in an expression that probably meant that he was glad to hear it, to which Levi glared. 

~

After fetching him some ice, Levi allowed Eren to do what he wanted today, be it sleep, read, wait around or whatever. The kid was probably at loose ends, but Levi wanted to accomplish this piece of his duty in peace. 

Erd Jinn, Gunter Schultz, Oluo Bozado, and Petra Ral. Their families deserved to know what happened, to an extent. They deserved the letters he should have sent last night. 

It was always a hard thing, writing to the families of the dead. Ideally, they went out the next day after returning. Levi knew he should have written them last night, sent them on with Mike this morning when he brought the message. Injury and exhaustion weren’t an excuse, and he knew that his squad deserved better. Deserved so much more… 

He’d done this many times, for many people. Still, it was a task he hated. Levi set the top of his pen to his chin, and allowed himself to think. To feel the real regret that came with needless death. Levi was proud of them; he’d hand picked each of them, and they’d not let him down, not even to the minute of their death. It had been obvious that they’d died fighting, died following his orders. 

Erd, a reliable second, who anticipated his commands, and needs - at times even before he knew them. He could have had his own squad in a year, if Levi had been willing to let him go. 

Petra, so bright and sharp, who provided a real human touch in times of need, but was also deadly with the blade. He wouldn’t have gotten Eren’s trust so readily if not for her. She’d had so much potential. 

Oluo, whose respect was stifling, who was a little insufferable, but who was ready to dive into the fray in a moment’s notice. He was a strong fighter, and a loyal soldier to his leader and his comrades. 

Gunter, so young and brash, but with a die hard determination. 

And there were so many soldiers who’d died, right behind them, to keep them heading down the right path. They didn’t know that they were sacrificing themselves and their squads for a fruitless endeavor, they just knew that they had to fight. Levi would hear their deaths, and Eren’s screams as he recounted them over the sound of their gallops, for a long while. 

Levi set the pen down again, and pressed his fingers against his eyes. They were annoyingly dry; stinging but not with tears. He’d long passed the point that he cried for every death, but it only made it worse each time. Some would mock him, say he thought he was too strong, or manly or whatever, to cry. But, there is no one too strong to mourn, even if tears didn’t come. Levi remembered the abandon with which he’d sobbed when Farlan and Isabel didn’t return with him to that corner of the barracks that they’d claimed as their own. He’d laid on the bunk bed Farlan had slept on, for that short time that they’d trained with the corps, and wept. After that, a few tears, here and there, for comrades, and superiors, and eventually, subordinates. But then the waterworks stopped, leaving behind just a dry, sharp, ache, behind his throat. 

With a sigh, Levi picked up the pen again, and scrubbed the heat out of his face, pressing the pain back into the gnarled knot it had made itself. He wrote the usual words for this sort of letter, embellishing with his thoughts, and commendations, as a captain should. He sealed each of them, and addressed them with his squads’ contact information, what names and addresses they’d left behind in such a case as this. Then, he set them all aside in a stack on the table, hobbled to the kitchen for more ice, and then to bed to lay down a bit with his leg up. It could only help that throbbing that had taken root there, and he really wanted to not see anyone at the moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Levi looked up from his book when Eren ran up to the doorway. He was currently lazing on his bed, with his leg propped up and trying to read a novel that Petra had leant him ages ago. It hurt to do so, to think about her, but she’d been right - he was enjoying the story, and finding it distracting enough that he could forget for minutes at a time how empty the castle was. His leg was stiff and sore, but a little better from being off it. 

“What is it?” Levi asked Eren curtly, as the boy stuttered at him. 

“There are riders approaching the castle,” he said, looking nervous. It was too early for the MPs, so Levi figured it was theirs. 

“Erwin, and the others?” he asked, and Eren just shook his head. 

“I’m not sure, sir.” 

Levi let out a breath, and then sat up, setting the book aside carefully. “Well, help me out to the table,” he said, lifting his arm. Eren nodded, and pulled him up, and Levi held in any winces though the movement hurt like hell. It was time to be stone faced, and after a full day of relaxation, he couldn’t afford to show any weakness.

They limped out to the table, and Levi was seated before the rest of the Survey Corps officials, and a selection of those crazy 104th brats entered the hall. Erwin’s eyes were immediately on his, reading how well Levi had interpreted the letter in his lack of surprise to see them, and taking stock of his health. Levi knew that Erwin was cataloging every detail of his appearance and any visible concession to the pain. Deep in those blue eyes were also a hint of concern, but Erwin would hide that. 

“Levi! Relaxing the day away out here?” Hange crowed as she entered, and Levi rolled his eyes and retorted as usual. 

“No more than you every day, four-eyes.” 

Erwin got that stupid face, like he was the dad of two squabbling toddlers, and sat in his chair to the left of Levi. The others were greeting each other, and slow to settle around the table, so Levi took the opportunity to lean forward and rib Erwin. 

“That code was crap” he said, and Erwin huffed, amused. “Anyone else would read the official report at face value. There’s too much room for error in that sort of method.”

“You interpreted it well enough,” he said, mildly. Levi snorted. 

“I know you too well, old man. Just don’t go teaching the kids that one.” Levi had dealt with his fair share of coded messages long before he’d joined the scouts. The underground was just as rife with subterfuge as the military. 

Erwin had a secret smile on. This was an old argument, and yet Erwin kept sending him overly formal messages with hidden meanings. They only worked because any uncoded missives were ridiculous; full of misspellings to rile Levi, and Sina slang that he could barely understand. Idiot. 

Levi rolled his eyes, while Erwin called for the start of the meeting, and for someone to bring water glasses. Hopefully, they’d be filled with whiskey later on. Levi could do with some pain relief. 

Afterwards, Levi was still sans alcohol, and he was relieved of his guard duty. A doctor was summoned, and Eren was sequestered off somewhere with his friends, and the weight of his worry was gladly lifted off Levi’s back. Eren was lost in new grief, a betrayal on top of the deaths of the rest of Squad Levi. That damn girl… another titan shifter? One with knowledge of what she was, and motives very obviously counter to their own. 

“Damn,” he swore, and rubbed his leg, face creased. He didn’t like this. Every bone in his body itched to _move_ , his instincts telling him there would be no time to rest. And he had to go and cripple himself.

Erwin finally poured some whiskey, and Levi picked up his glass, glad for something to take the edge off. Not just the pain in his leg, but the stiffness of the rest of his limbs from the disuse today, and his general bad mood. 

Erwin took a sip, and eyed his leg. “So, why didn't you see a doctor when you were back at the base?” Erwin asked, and Levi sneered. 

“Thought I just strained it. Usually that sort of injury is gone by morning.” 

Erwin hummed, taking another sip, and Levi narrowed his eyes at him until he set the glass down. 

“I wasn’t implying that you ignored it on purpose, Levi. Stop giving me that nasty face.” 

Levi snorted, and threw back his whiskey. He was feeling brittle, angry, and annoyed at everything: from the pain he had emanating from his thigh and knee and ankle, to the way the Erwin was calm in slanting afternoon light. This new betrayal was coming far too close on the heels of all that he’d lost, and he didn’t like this at all. He yearned to avenge those four, to protect what they’d died protecting (even if that boy was a blockhead and would throw himself into danger as like as not). But Erwin’s, and Armin’s plan would happen very soon, and Levi wouldn’t be in uniform for it, if he could stand at all. 

Levi coughed around the burn of the whiskey, drunk too fast, and glared at the door. 

“That damn doctor better had run over an old lady. What’s taking so long?” 

“Levi,” Erwin chided, and Levi ignored him. 

Just then, the door to the main entry slammed open, and a grating voice called in. 

“Yoohoo, Levi! I brought your doctor!” It was Hange, enthusiastic to a fault. She entered the room, dragging the doctor behind her. It was the somber eyed woman from the base, and just then Levi didn’t remember her name. He was just grateful to see that she had her bag at her side, with hopefully some pain killer within. 

“Oi, shit-glasses, not so loud!” Levi snapped, and Hange chortled. 

“Oh ho, you’re in a temper, Levi. Erwin, what’d you do to him?” 

Erwin calmly took another sip of whiskey. “Don’t look at me. He was like that when I got here.” 

Levi huffed, and leaned back, arms crossed. He’d done a good job of not snapping at the younger members, and he wasn’t insubordinate at all during the meeting. There was no call for them to be ganging up on him, and he was injured too.

“Shit-heads, the both of you,” he muttered. 

The doctor quickly took control of the situation, and told Levi to take off his trousers. If Levi had been younger, he’d have blushed at the clear amusement from his companions, or demanded a little privacy, but as it was, he just snarled. 

“Help me stand, you asshole,” he said to Erwin, and Erwin gave him a steadying elbow while he dropped the loose pants he’d been wearing. After that, the doctor woman (her name was Marta, that was it) poked and prodded at his leg. She bent his knee, and manipulated his foot this way and that, sending bolts of pain up his leg that set cold sweat beading at his hairline, and shoulder blades. 

“Shit!” Levi hissed, and Marta eyed him dispassionately. It was ordinarily everything he’d want in a physician, if he well and truly had to see one, but today it was pissing him off too. “What, that hurt.” 

She resumed her poking, and Levi leaned back and folded his arms across his chest. He was in far too little clothing, and Hange was eying his legs like a specimen in a jar, and every touch from the doctor was making him twitch. 

“You stink, four-eyes. Did you even bathe after riding out yesterday?” he growled, and Hange grinned, leaning against the table. Erwin was beside her, sipping the same drink, and looking over some paperwork. “And stop looking at me like you want to put me in a jar.” 

Hange poked his shoulder “You know, your physique is quite impressive! So much muscle packed on so small a frame! How do you manage it? All I ever see you eat is tea!” 

Levi growled, and the broke it off as the doctor did something to his foot. He swore, and grabbed at his knee, yanking his leg away from the doctor. 

“What did you do?” 

She looked up from behind her glasses, unimpressed at what she probably thought were dramatics. 

“Well, you’ve definitely sprained both the knee and the ankle,” she said, clapping her hands together, and getting to her feet. Levi grumbled, still holding onto his thigh for safe keeping. 

“Tell me something I don’t know.” 

Her eyes narrowed, and she spoke coolly to Erwin. 

“It’s possible that there could be tiny fractures in the bones of his foot, possibly even higher up the leg. Unfortunately, there’s no clear way to tell.” 

Erwin looked at her solemnly. “What’s your treatment recommendation?” 

She sniffed. 

“Rest. Absolutely no 3DM gear; landing on that leg could very well break it completely. I recommend he be taken off active duty post haste.” 

She set a paper packet on the table, and finally looked back at Levi, who was seething. 

“Take a teaspoon of this, mixed with water, for the pain. You can wrap it, if you move around, but try to stay off it.”

She said that like he’d be an idiot who walked on a broken leg for kicks. But with the way things were going, he’d be lucky if he got one more day of rest. 

“Thank you, Doctor,” Erwin said, and turned to look at Levi. Levi sighed, grit his teeth, and then thought of that painkiller packet on the table. 

“Thank you,” he said. The doctor nodded at Levi, saluted, and packed up her things, leaving the way she came. 

Hange stretched loudly, and then leaned across the table to grab the whiskey, and Levi’s glass. Levi glared and resigned himself to no more alcohol for the evening. He crossed his arms, and leaned back again. 

“Shit,” he muttered, grabbing his pants from where they were folded on the table top. 

“It’s not as bad as all that, Levi,” Erwin said, setting his paperwork aside and revealing that he hadn’t been working on it at all. Bastard. Levi ‘tched. 

“This came at the worst possible time, and you know it. I’m useless to you now.” 

Hange tipped her glass towards him. “Levi, don’t pout. You’re never useless. We’ll set you polishing silver at the table, there you go.” 

Levi couldn’t reach her ponytail to wrench, so he settled for an obscene gesture. “Shut up, you shit for glasses.” 

Erwin indulged their squabbling with a patient air, before he leveled a look at Levi. 

“You’re to follow the doctor’s orders to the letter, Levi.” 

Levi leaned back, scoffing. “I’m sure I’ll be fine soon.” 

“Levi,” Erwin’s voice was a warning, and Levi sighed. 

“I’m going to take some of that painkiller, put my pants back on, and go take a nap. We’ll see how it is after that.” 

Erwin frowned, and then nodded. “Alright.” Levi reached up and flicked his forehead. 

“Hey, don’t act like this is some damn concession. I’ll do what I please, but I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to take the chance of this ruining my career.” 

Erwin relaxed a bit at that, finally finishing his damn whiskey.

“Good. I’m going to need you.” 

Levi let out a breath. “You’re going to need me sooner than I can help,” he said, quietly. Stiffening, he snapped his fingers at Hange. “Oi, go get me a new glass so I can drink some of this. You dirtied up the other one,” he said, gesturing to the powdered pain killer. Hange smirked at him, and mock saluted. 

“On it, Captain!” she said, strolling off. Levi watched her go, before he turned to see Erwin rubbing his eyes. 

“Did you finish all the paperwork from the expedition last night?” he asked, and Erwin looked at him a little guiltily. Levi usually stayed up after the expeditions to help finish everything, but he’d been out here last night. 

“There was much to do, Levi. But, I’m fine.” 

“You need to lay down more than me.” 

Erwin’s lips quirked. “I’m sure it’s something the both of us could benefit from.” 

Levi ‘tched again, but he let his fingers brush Erwin’s elbow, a silent invitation. Then, he used that elbow and shoulder to lever himself up, and slide his trousers back up, fastening them before sitting down. He didn’t bother to tuck his shirt in. The pain increased once he started moving, and Erwin’s face tensed in clear concern as Levi’s own face went paler or something. Once he was settled, he let out a long breath, and ran a trembling hand through his hair. 

“Shit,” he said, yet again, and Erwin pursed his lips. “Where is Hange with that damn glass? I suppose I could always mix it with the whiskey.” 

Before Erwin could reprimand him, Hange came back with a clean(ish) glass and a pitcher of water. Levi mixed up the medicine, and swallowed the bitter liquid, before using Erwin to stand again. The pain killer likely wasn’t a very strong one, but he still wanted to be horizontal before it truly hit him -especially, if as he suspected, that this was the only dose he could safely allow himself. Tomorrow, he’d likely need all his faculties, even if he couldn’t walk. 

“Help me to my room,” he said, and Erwin stood, putting a long arm around his waist. He heard Erwin bid goodnight to Hange, with instructions on what to tell the MPs when they got here, and smiled a little, looking forward to the comfort of those arms tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 2, yo! 
> 
> Well, I'm all caught up, and I gotta say, it was damn good. The characters remain amazing, and I really enjoy a certain Captain and Commander's relationship... that said, the ending of this kinda took me by surprise, but eh, I'm leaving it as it is. I'll update the tag to 'implied established relationship'. 
> 
> And I am calling this piece finished! Thank you for the feed back and the patience, I know it's been long a time since I started, but it was good to come back. There may be more SNK stuff perhaps, but perhaps not. Please let me know what you think, you're all the best!


End file.
